Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
i really liked this one
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.