Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
This is true.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?