According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
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Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My dad.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
moms in horror movies
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
reminder
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.