What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’d … I’d rather not.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
😂😂😂
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.