Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.