I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I saw nothing
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
This trial is so absurd 😭
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.