me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
SCARY COSTUME
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.