So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you