MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
You Might Also Like
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*