Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
🤣🤣🤣
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.