In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I have a type: disappointing
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.