My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?