children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”