cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone