I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
yes… yes…
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT