Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right