NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not