*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
uncle dave has been through hell
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.