I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I鈥檓 carrying* no, of course not
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you鈥檙e kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i鈥檓 sayin is, it鈥檚 a good thing they already live at the hospital
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i鈥檒l have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don鈥檛 have lobster
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.