WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
They’re on their honeymoon
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good