Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?