Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.