*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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Why is this me 😫
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Don’t make me out nice you.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Always
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.