Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.