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“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine