My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you