When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.