this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
mom gave me mine for free
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.