When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did