If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.