Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.