Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
#milo
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
who wants to go expliring
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”