I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy