If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
But that’s none of my business
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.