Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
S/o to @funTweeters .
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.