See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car