#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
somebody come look at this
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human