so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Welcome to the stomach
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen