trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I have a black belt in leather
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.