An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The Struggle
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am