[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
You Might Also Like
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
ready to be harvested
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter