This made me smile…
You Might Also Like
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I bet
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Tastes like chicken.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.