yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like ๐ ๐ ๐ until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isโฆ
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, itโs positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought itโd be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I canโt sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying โinsufficient funds.โ Youโd think theyโd have refilled it by now.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying โnom nom nom I love oil delicious oilโ
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Sam canโt find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
