wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.