The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?