Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
You Might Also Like
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!