[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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Stop it! 😂
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.