doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It was worth a shot 😂
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
dam girl