The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.