Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
This is my bus stop.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Botany good plants lately?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.